Quitting Smoking: Reflections on the First 12 Days

Julie and I quit smoking. In doing this, we have not used any medication or nicotine replacement aids like gum or the patch. I posted about the first day a couple of weeks ago. This is a follow-up, giving the state of the situation as it stands now. To give a hint: yes, we are still quit, as hard as it has been.

In general, I have to say that it has been both not nearly as bad as I thought and more terrible than I possibly imagined at the same time. What makes it not as bad as I thought is that the urges to smoke have not been as overwhelming as I thought. I knew that I'd get cravings, but they have been quite manageable. What has been more terrible than I could imagine is the mood issues. Particularly in the beginning, I couldn't seem to escape the sense that something was missing. It was like mourning the death of a close friend. It hung over me like a cloud, messing with my moods. There never seemed to be a way to escape it either.

Through all this, I found myself trying to replace my smoking times with other things, changing my behavior patterns. Yes, we would still go outside on the back porch and hang out once and great while, but not for the hours on end like we used to. Mostly we would do it as a novelty and it always seemed a little weird not to smoke. In general, I found my former smoking time being taken up by watching a lot more TV, which to me is not necessarily a good thing. I would try to mix it up with an occasional bike ride. We even went out to the movies, which is something we do very rarely -- anything to pass the time when we used to smoke.

It is no question, day three was the worst. It actually started out okay. In fact, at work, I was thinking that I felt almost normal. Unfortunately, on the drive home, I started sinking in my seat, feeling depressed and anxious. Finally, upon walking into the house, I had a massive panic attack. Like a crazy man, I shuffled around the house in circles in my socks, with tears in my eyes, mumbling nonsense. Julie had to babysit me as I had my fit, trying to talk me down. Afterwards, she went back into the kitchen to find the dogs eating our dinner, which they had counter-surfed off the counter where it was being prepared.

Another difficult time occurred on the first weekend. The weather was lousy -- rainy, cold, and gross -- so we were trapped in the house. I would go from watching TV, to pacing around the house feeling cooped up. Between storms, I'd attempt to go for a bike ride, usually cut short by the next round of rain. The anxiety and boredom was overwhelming. I so wanted to sit outside on the back porch with the outdoor heater running and smoke, watching the rain.

With all the above said, at 12 days out, it has gotten a little easier. My thoughts of smoking have gone from constant nagging to the occasional craving. My behaviors at home have started to fall into new patterns. My mood issues have diminished to occasional minor anxiety fits.

All I have to say is, this is hard, but getting easier. I have to admit that I still miss going outside to sit on the back porch with my wife. Maybe, one day we can do that without the urge to smoke.